Having just entered himself into the bowls tournament to decide the county champion, Cliff waits to find out who he is playing. Mutley, Cliff’s uncle, hurries over muttering ‘Oh my God, oh my God’.
Mutley
You’re playing Alan Booth, he’s ranked 16 in Devon, but he’s on his way up the ladder. He’s young, he’s hungry and he’s dangerous.
Mutley points out Alan. A man in his late-forties, sporting glasses and a long pipe clenched between his teeth stands up. He looks about as threatening as a puppy.
Alan
Alright?
Alan walks past Cliff and Mutley to the green. Cliff turns to Mutley.
Cliff
When this is over, I just want to run through the meaning of words young and dangerous.
Cliff walks out of the changing rooms at the Torquay Lawn Bowls Club dressed in a mismatched collection of white clothes and shoes, trousers that are too big and too short tied around his waist with a white cloth, a belt which is hanging below his hips, used only to hold a bar towel to use for drying his woods, in his hand is a plastic carrier bag holding his plastic woods and on his head is a white flat cap. In short, he looks a right mess.
Trevor, his best mate, sees him exit.
Trevor
(laughing)
You sexy mother.
Cliff walks out of the changing rooms at the Torquay Lawn Bowls Club dressed in a mismatched collection of white clothes and shoes, trousers that are too big and too short tied around his waist with a white cloth, a belt which is hanging below his hips, used only to hold a bar towel to use for drying his woods, in his hand is a plastic carrier bag holding his plastic woods and on his head is a white flat cap. In short, he looks a right mess.
Trevor, his best mate, sees him exit.
Trevor
(laughing)
You sexy mother.
Cliff, in the middle of a bowls match, is munching on a doughnut which is in his right hand. His opponent, Alan, spots this.
Alan
Sugar.
Cliff
You what, my love?
Alan
(concerned)
From the doughnut. On the green.
Cliff
(with a mouth full of doughnut)
It's alright, I'll use my left hand.
Cliff throws the remains of the doughnut at the umpire
Cliff (CONT'D)
In fact, not only that, Alan, I will concede the entire match if, having struck the jack, my bowl does not end up on this Rizla paper.
Mutley and Trevor are watching in the crowd.
Mutley
(concerned)
What?
Trevor
Don't worry, he does it every night.
Cliff
Blindfolded!
Cliff now has his trousers drapped over his head.
Trevor
That's a new one.
Mutley
Oh my God.
Cliff and Trevor exit their house arguing about Kerry, they stop at a milk float and nick a couple of bottle of milk, pop the tops and begin drinking. A voice comes from off screen.
Man (O.S.)
Cliff Starkey.
Cliff and Trevor stare across the street. A man clad head to toe in black; black suit, black coat, black gloves and black sunglasses stands on the ground opposite them. He smiles and begins to walk towards them.
Trevor
Christ, it's Batman.
Man (O.S.)
I don't believe it.
Cliff
It's that bloke from The Matrix, innit?
Man
I don't fucking believe it, in the flesh.
Cliff looks behind him to see if he means someone else.
Man
Do you know what you are? You're this.
He flick his arm to show his gold watch to Cliff and Trevor.
Trevor
Late?
Man
You're gold.
Cliff
You what mate?
